Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not lucky when it comes to men. I'm very unfortunate actually. Ever since high school I've been stuck with such stigmas such as "Cute" and "Let's just be friends", and the relationships themselves haven't been the pick of the litter either. I've been in one negative/abusive relationship after the next, whether it be verbal or right up there with physical and/or sexual abuse. My last serious relationship was with a guy named Matt who manipulated me into having sex with him and then used it to blackmail me into subservience. I was totally broken and hopelessly in "love". However, when the fog dissipated I was left with a true vision of what my "relationship" truly was, and, no longer blinded by foolhardy Cupid, I left my high school sweetheart and all my backstabbing friends where they were stuck mentally, in High School.

You'd think after all that that I would see a change of luck, but alas, tis not the case. Rather, the vicious cycle of heartbreak continued onward and is still perpetually inescapable...Or so it seems to me, a now rather dismayed participate on the single circuit. I've met dozens of men since January, tried a relationship(which lasted a month at most), fallen in and out of love, even had my heartbroken more than I'd like, and maybe even broken a heart myself - unintentionally of course. I mean, I had to choose between two seemingly great guys afterall. It wasn't like a walk in the park here. It was hard. But in the end I still managed to make the wrong decision and pick the wrong guy, yet again. I've been thinking about it ever since. What if I'd picked Chu instead of Steve? What would it have been like? Would we still be together? Would I be the "love of his life" instead of what's-her-face? -sighs- It just sucks major monkey balls that all the guys I fell for, and hard mind you, moved on so quickly and that their lives have sprung to life: lucky and full of love. My greatest accomplishments thus far this year were moving out, getting my first apartment and probably nailing a job at Tim Horton's. (Whoopee! -sarcasm-) Then again, I guess a job is better than no job at all.

Any way, back to the previous topic before I go on an off-topic tangent. >< ...So I got to thinking about my feelings, what I want and who I want. (Obviously.) And I've decided that these men I'm dating might not ever make me happy for a very simple reason: I don't love them....Not like I do these two guys in particular, both of which I've never even met. How is it possible to love someone so far away without ever physically experiencing them? And is it possible to love two men at once? Or do I have to choose? I don't know. The first one I've known the longest, like since April or something, and he's a real sweetheart. He used to be the only one who could make me smile when I was depressed/upset/sad, but now it feels like all we ever do is fight. I really miss the talks we used to have, and I love it when we webcam. Simply put; I miss him. I think I'd do anything to be his #1, his one-&-only, but first off, they say your first love never lasts and secondly, apparently he had his mind set on a different zodiac heart than mine. So yeah, needless to say I've fallen into his "Friends" list.

The second is still a complete mystery to me. I started talking to him about three months after the first, and something about him just clicked. He excites me, makes me feel giddy again, and we seem to have a lot in common from interests to personality/opinions. But then he has his moments where he reminds me of the first, and then suddenly I feel afraid to open up and I withdraw because I don't want to get hurt again, like how I felt with the first - my love for him being bittersweet and all. Not to mention I feel guilty for loving the first but being drawn in by the second. But then I can't help but remember that the first one gives me the impression that he doesn't want me in the way that I want him...We're just friends. :( So then I think, why shouldn't I be interested in this second guy? Of course my mind answers, because: "he probably doesn't like or love you, he just wants a good time", "he's just being flirtatious, he's not looking for anything deeper than that", "he probably just thinks of you as a friend, just like the first guy", and "you don't want to look like you're rebounding". I don't want to get hurt again. I just want to know if one of them loves me back, but how? How do I know? Will they show me? Will they say it? What will be my sign? I hope they aren't discrete. I hope they're like a "plain as day" sign that reads, "I love you, will you be mine?" with all the fervour that a hopeless romantic could ask for.

But then, life isn't like a cheesy romance now is it?....Such a shame...

:(